Astrology is a funny thing. I personally don’t believe in it, but when I see horoscopes posted somewhere, I always check mine out. If it’s a good horoscope, I act like I just won something; If it’s a bad horoscope, I remind myself that I don’t believe in that stuff anyway and convince myself that I’m not scared at all.
The whole concept is kind of weird. Based on what time of year you were born, the stars have some sort of outcome on the events in your life. Hopefully, the stars take leap years into account, or else our calendar is going to be totally out sync with their calendar.
Well, it turns out that time of year might actually have an effect on your behavior after all… But it has less to do with the stars and more to do with how environmental conditions affect pregnancies.
Scientists aren’t sure exactly why, but there are correlations between certain seasons and certain behavior patterns. Basically, I don’t really know what they’re talking about, because I’m not a scientist and don’t understand science.
From what I can gather, and this is probably wrong, scientists are saying that astrology is completely true. Based on this, here’s how I assume each astrological symbol affects each person’s love and sex life:
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
The symbol for Aries is the ram. That pretty much says all it has to about your sex life. We’d tell you to calm it down, but that’s not what rams do. Not at all.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You’re a proud, majestic lover, unless somebody waves a red flag at you. Then you go crazy. You can’t explain it, there’s just something about that makes you lose control.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
If you’re a Gemini, otherwise known as the twins, then you’re super into three-ways. It’s a hard life to manage, but if you can pull it off then you’re doing great.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
When you say you’re into long walks on the beach, you really mean it. You love to do everything — and we mean everything — at the beach. You also like to do it under the covers because they feel like a nice protective shell.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
People have always called you the leader of the pack, and it’s definitely true in the bedroom. The only problem is, most states won’t legalize polygamy, so your options on where to live are extremely limited.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
The stars just want you to be lonely, apparently. Virgo’s symbol is the virgin. One way to look at is that you’re pure. Another way to look at it is everyone else lucked out but you.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Your love life’s all about balance. Just make sure you find a partner who’s also into balance, because falling during the act can cause some seriously embarrassing injuries.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Your look at sex like a hunt. Which is not a good way to look at sex. If you’re a Scorpio, you might want to call the police and just give them a heads up. Seriously, you’re freaking everyone out.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Taylor Swift is a Sagittarius, so you’ll apparently never find true love. The upside though is that each heartbreak will work out very well for you financially. So well, in fact, that people will become suspicious about how broken your heart actually is.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You’re the goat, which unfortunately refers to the animal and not the “greatest of all time.” Garbage turns you on for some strange reason, but so does doing it on the side of a very steep mountain. You’re surprisingly skilled at balancing yourself in that situation.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You’re the best ever and everyone wants to be with you. That’s totally what the stars say! I’m not just saying that because I’m writing this and I happen to be an Aquarius.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’re a fish. You just kind of lay there and let stuff happen to you. It’s not bad, but it’s not great; it just is.
ESTJ: Rearranges their schedule to spend time with you. Gives you a bear hug when you’re down. Helps you complete challenging tasks. Treats you to dinner or a date. Makes you feel comfortable in their home. Goes into battle for you when you are struggling. Shows up in an instant when you need them to be there the most.
ISTJ: Picks up the phone on the first ring. Fixes little things around your house. Tries out your favorite activities, because you love them. Drives you home. Spends time around your family and friends. Stays strong for you through challenging times. Reminisces about your happy memories. Lets you know that they’re not going anywhere at all.
ESTP: Picks you up and squeezes you when you are not expecting it. Gives you an affectionate nickname. Makes you laugh. Sweeps you away on an adventure. Builds you something that makes your life easier. Calls you to check in when they’re away. Proactively solves your problems for you, before you have the chance to worry at all.
ISTP: Displays protectiveness. Offers you advice. Finds little shortcuts that will make your life easier. Tinkers with your car or devices. Spends time with your loved ones. Talks out solutions to your problems. Offers you a place to stay when you need one. Sacrifices alone time to be with you, even when they’re tired and cranky.
ESFJ: Texts you back instantly. Packs you a snack. Reminds you of deadlines and appointments. Asks questions about your day. Initiates plans. Supports your interests. Adjusts their schedule to accommodate yours. Loves your loved ones like their own. Remembers every little detail about you. Spreads endless rumors about how wonderful you are.
ISFJ: Texts you when you’re having a bad day. Brings you soup when you’re sick. Remembers little details about you and uses them to make your life easier. Goes out of the way to do you favors. Gets to know your family and friends. Works around your busy schedule. Never leaves you hanging. Shows up come hell or high water.
ESFP: Cuddles you mercilessly. Stops at nothing to make you laugh. Gives you ‘just because’ gifts on random Tuesday mornings. Listens to your feelings. Shares embarrassing information about themselves to make you feel less alone. Connects you to people who can help you. Does everything within their power to make your life a non-stop adventure.
ISFP: Opens up to you. Shows you their playful side. Makes art about you. Tells others about you. Remembers little details about the time you’ve spent together. Initiates affection. Asks you how you’re feeling. Lets you take the lead, despite their independence. Makes you feel like the only person in the world.
ENTJ: Engages your interests. Asks for your opinion. Recommends things that would make your life easier. Holds you accountable to your ambitions. Supports your autonomy. Empowers you to take control. Communicates the way that they’re feeling. Admits their struggles. Supports you in rising above your own challenges, every step of the way.
INTJ: Learns about your passions and interests. Respects your independence. Asks to hear your opinion. Lends you their favorite book. Stays up past their regular bedtime talking to you. Gives you space when you need it. Tells you they’re committed to you (their word is bond). Speaks highly of your competence to others.
ENTP: Asks to hear your plans and ideas. Invites you along on adventures. Texts you constantly. Shares their struggles with you. Asks to hear your struggles. Maintains inside jokes that make you smile. Challenges your small thoughts. Encourages your big thoughts. Shows up. Never, ever stops trying to learn more about you.
INTP: Carves out time for you. Asks deep, probing questions. Studies the way you show love. Does their best to reciprocate in kind. Accepts your invitations. Shares their deepest thoughts. Listens to yours. Pours attention into helping you solve complex problems and issues. Never stops trying to understand you.
ENFJ: Asks about your passions. Sees your potential. Pushes you to reach for it. Prioritizes spending time with you. Hugs you so hard you think your ribs will crack. Empowers your strengths. Allows you to be weak sometimes. Tells you exactly what they admire about you most. Seeks to understand every detail about what makes you tick.
INFJ: Asks for your thoughts. Shares their own, no matter how convoluted. Shows you their weird side. Picks up on your excitement. Encourages your ideas. Aligns their priorities with yours. Picks you up from the airport. Learns your sense of humor. Analyzes what makes you tick. Never tires of hearing you talk about your passions.
ENFP: Plans out adventures to take you on. Listens to your pain, then makes you laugh about it. Asks for your input. Strives to understand you. Reserves judgement. Challenges your thinking. Writes you love letters. Writes you love novels. Writes you love symphonies. Shares their intimate thoughts, and hears yours. Never stops trying to light your world up.
INFP: Leaves love notes tucked away where you will find them. Listens patiently and carefully while you talk. Compliments you thoughtfully and meaningfully. Writes you into all of their art. Answers the phone late at night. Makes you laugh through your sadness. Shoulders your pain like it’s their own.
Article By Heidi Priebe]]>
(March 21st to April 19th)
Your loyalty. You’d do just about anything for your loved ones. You’d even die for them. You are fiercely protective and work hard to foster a feeling of safety and reliability.
(April 20th to May 21st)
Your tenacity. No matter how hard life comes at you, you refuse to back down. You have amazing willpower and people find you a great source of strength.
(May 22nd to June 21st)
Your spontaneity. You’re always down for an adventure and to try something you’ve never done.
(June 22nd to July 22nd)
Your sensitivity and empathy. You have a strong desire for connection and don’t fear intimacy. Basically, you’re an adorable cuddle bug.
(July 23rd to August 22nd)
Your energy. You buzz with confidence and self-assuredness. Whichever room you walk into, all eyes are immediately on you. You’re undeniable.
(August 23rd to September 22nd)
Your brain. Never underestimate how sexy your intelligence is.
(September 23rd to October 22nd)
Your level-headedness. You cannot seeing people fight and will do whatever you can to remedy the situation. You’re a natural mediator and the poster child for Give Peace A Chance.
(October 23rd to November 22nd)
Your wit. You are quick and a little bit dark, an intoxicating combo. You are always two steps ahead of everyone else.
(November 23rd to December 21st)
Your smile! Oh god, your smile. It could melt even iciest person.
(December 22nd to January 20th)
Your unwavering determination and ability to get things done. You set goals and achieve them. People can count on you to always go above and beyond.
(January 21st to February 18th)
Your nonjudgmental mindset. You love learning new perspectives and ideas and don’t shut people down just because they are different from you.
(February 19th to March 20th)
Your creativity. You imagination is so powerful and inspiring. You’re able to bring entire worlds to life and it’s breathtaking.
Article By Kris Miller from http://thoughtcatalog.com]]>
PSA: This article is for humorous purposes only. We understand that you’re a compassionate human being who breaks up with people fairly when you no longer love them. At least, we hope so.
ENFP: Reflects on a time in the past when the relationship was happy and thriving. Tries desperately to recreate that time. Tries again. Realizes it isn’t working. Moves to France. Claims you’ll make it work while they’re in France, you’ll just figure out the details later. Never returns from France.
INFP: Escapes into a happy fantasy of what they hope the relationship will be like in the future. Lives there for a while. Lives there for a while longer. Wakes up one morning and realizes you moved out two months ago. Adjusts the fantasy to one in which they’re happy alone.
ENFJ: Suggests an intimate vacation. Suggests couple’s counseling. Suggests moving in together. Suggests moving out, taking some time apart, and then moving back in together. Suggests letting your new girlfriend or boyfriend move in if that will make you happy, even though you’ve been broken up for two years now.
INFJ: Withdraws from the relationship to consider its state. After fourteen sleepless nights, determines that continuing the relationship is what’s best for society. Resumes the relationship as usual.
ESFP: Plans out an endless stream of fun dates, trying to get the spark back. The spark doesn’t come back. On the eighteenth relationship-renewing date, accidentally falls in love with someone else and realizes it’s over for real. Leaves you for the hot waiter while you cry into your chickpeas.
ESTJ: Outsources the breakup. Sends their personal assistant to end things with you.
ISFP: Finally feels creative again, because they’re no longer happy. Begins pulling away from you, claiming they’re busy with their artwork. Produces a masterpiece about a failing relationship. Hopes that you’ll see it and get the hint.
ISTP: Doesn’t care to deal with the confrontation involved in ending things, so just neglects the relationship until you break up with them.
ISFJ: Becomes passive-aggressive to the point where you no longer want to be with them anyway.
ESTP: Goes on a camping trip without you. Gives you a vague/indefinite return date. Forgets to return.
ENTP: Convinces you that you’re the one who’s unhappy with the relationship. Graciously lets you break up with them.
INTP: Moves out of your apartment and into their own place. Hopes you won’t notice.
INTJ: Identifies the first possible source of unhappiness within the relationship. Attempts to give the relationship a ‘tune up’ in that department. If this method fails, identifies the second possible source of unhappiness. Attempts a ‘tune up’ in that department. Repeats the process until they realize that the relationship is not a malfunctioning computer.
ENTJ: Makes a to-do list. Puts ‘fix relationship’ at the top. Accomplishes it as quickly as possible, because there are a lot of other things on the list.
ISTJ: Pushes their feelings down and continues the relationship. Divorce seems costly and impractical.
ESFJ: Stays in the relationship, unhappily, forever. It’s better than making you unhappy!